Not Who I Am...

I woke up early this Christmas Eve. My thoughts were not on gum drops and little babies but on what I have become. I don't know if Christmas is a good time to take personal inventory or not, normally a thing left for New Years, but I have and so I will.
I couldn't stop thinking that my spirituality has been beaten and bruised and because of this brutality I have not been the man I should be, not for God, not for Jenni, not for the students in my ministry (I am not looking for accolades so please don't tell me how wrong I am). It is not as though I have abandoned any of those three or others, it is more like I have been choosing easy routes. Churches can be messy places, having people in them an all. Sometimes what should be is a far cry from what is, and when you are young and idealistic and run into those walls of resistance and messiness, it can really throw you off course. I have literally not done things in my youth ministry in the past few years because I have said "it is not worth it". Not, "it's not worth the time," or "worth the effort", "money", "sacrifice", etc. the "it" is the putting my neck on the chopping block in order to maybe share the gospel with a few kids. Doing something that might rock the boat a little bit, not for the sake of rocking but for the sake of the gospel.
Realizing that my bruises have left me a bit broken is one thing, but beginning to choose the path less trodden is another. I want every area of my life to be centered around Christ like compassion and service, often times it is centered around Kent like desires and complaining... I need the renewal of the Spirit of God, I need the Christ Child to smile on me and heal my brokenness. I need the self-control and servant heart that only God can deliver. I don't know that big changes are necessary, rather, small changes - after all, life is lived in the details with rare moments of grandness and beauty.
Well, how is that for confession and repentance.

Greek Tools

Today I begin my first Masters course. It is a Greek Language Tools class. It looks like it will be pretty simple, I have 9 tasks I have to complete. Hopefully I can stay on course and get through it. I am such a flake about stuff, I am just concerned that I won't follow through. I would love all of your prayers for this... Thanks!

The Purpose of Prayer

If there is one thing I struggle with as a believer it is the discipline of having a personally devoted prayer life.

I think Jesus gets me best in Matthew 6 when he says...

"6But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. 7And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. 8Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him."(emphasis mine)

When I pray I suffer from the knowledge that the Father already knows what I need before I ask him. I think many Christians have a nagging feeling about this knowledge that keeps them from having a devoted prayer life. I have wondered if it is my definition of what prayer is that keeps me from being motivated by it. I assume that prayer is a communication between God and I where I tell Him about me. What if prayer has very little to do with me (As far as providing God information of what I want, how I feel, etc. - he already knows, remember, he's God)? What if prayer has much more to do with me alligning myself with what Gods will is, what Gods heart beats for. What if it is about me seeking the coming of God's kingdome, and forgiveness of those I need to forgive as I am being forgiven. What if?